The wife, to escape her snoring husband,decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake,she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up along the side and said, "Goodmorning, ma'am,what are you doing here?"

"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."

"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."

"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irrate woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Johnny."

DJ: "Johnny, are you married or what?"

Johnny: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Johnny: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Johnny?"

Johnny: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Johnny! Is she at work?"

Johnny: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Johnny: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Johnny."

Johnny: (laughing sheepishly) "Well."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Johnny: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Johnny: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?

Johnny: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well."

DJ: "This sounds good, Johnny. Where was it at?"

Johnny: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks."

DJ: "Uh huh."

Johnny: ".and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Johnny."

Johnny: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Johnny on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones...ringing..)

Clerk: "Park Hotel."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Johnny for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Johnny knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo. do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Johnny: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Johnny, what the hell are you up to?"

Johnny: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Johnny's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Johnny..uh, this morning before Johnny went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, JOHNNY!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Johnny: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well."

DJ: Come on Sarah...where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the a$$."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter. So the daughter said " Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

Little Johnny walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

Johnny goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

Johnny smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"